JAWC Volume 2 : I wish I had my stuff that's still in Utah... I have a fresh green bandana on, a pair of black jean shorts, and a beige long sleeved shirt with the sleeves rolled up on at the moment... I have my headphones on with a good selection of music and it's currently a little after 2am in the morning on the Sunday after updating the comic yesterday... I took a nap, so I'm pretty much awake, although I suppose I should be asleep... I don't know why I became nocturnal... it's weird... then again, I suppose I could catch a few Z's... it doesn't really matter... after all I can always sleep earlier tomorrow so I wake up nice and early on Monday... I like having this soapbox... it lets me rant and rave, ramble and vent without any backlash from anyone... hell, no one even gives a fuck what I write here... it's a journal you sons of bitches... you get the luxury of reading into my life, now if only you gave two shakes of a dead dogs dick... yeah, Spider Jerusalem quote... woo.. congrats if anyone actually got that... I stake no claim for half my expressions cause they've already been said by so many before me... I wonder if I'll ever have my own voice... I always said that I'd find out who I was when I left home... and well I left home, and it seems I'm the same bastard I was before I left, only worse... it's sorta sad really... makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. Oh well, it's better to actually wonder what's wrong than to think I'm A-O-K... I mean what kinda fuckin' nutjob thinks that they're perfectly fine?... shit... I was talking to someone about two weeks ago... maybe it was three weeks ago.. .shit, I know it was sometime before AnthroCon... so maybe over a month.. it doesn't fucking matter when.. it's the what that's important here, I mean it stuck with me the factor of women that want to be in relationships but question why the guy wants to be with them every waking moment... Yeah, I know... right?.. what's up with that?... Crazy Bitches... the reason guys want to be with a women they care for every waking moment is because they love them.. that's right you bastards.. I can use the "L" word... Love.. I've said that to few people seriously... and it kills me that some people throw the word around like it's a fucking dollar bill at a strip club... it's not just a fucking word.. it's something to express to someone to let them know that you're willing to give it all up for them... that if push came to shove you'd drop everything like it was hot. What's wrong with wanting to be with someone all the time... I mean fuck... really?... if you love someone you'll do anything you can to be with them, regardless of how awkward things may seem and how insane you may get... Love is a fucked up emotion that doles out the harshness to the best of us and the most some of us can hope for is a way to manage the damage it inflicts. Let's see... odds of people I know reading this rant page?.... Slim to none... I doubt they read it.. but fuck, like I should care... I hate people who act smug... maybe not smug, the right word might be... conceited?... or maybe just ... an "I know better than you don't underestimate me" type of way about them... it's like, "okay... sure, I didn't even think that, but okay..." kinda thing on my part.. it's like what the fuck dude?... I get it, you tried to help me out, you knew I was awake, and overall guess what, nothing came of it, I tried to explain my sitch, shit got in the way, I didn't get to say what I wanted and overall I made things tremendously worse... thanks but no thanks... shit, guess what I didn't get to say what I wanted at the fucking time and in turn I'm not gonna fucking say it online... it just sounds retarded writing it out... but that's not gonna stop me on my own damn soapbox though... I mean shit, what the fuck am I supposed to do?... what the fuck am I supposed to say?.. shit... it don't mean shit after the fact and I'm too damn clumsy to word things on the fly without bullshitting things... when truth comes out it just gets worse... anyway, just how do you tell someone you love them when they so obviously don't reciprocate that love towards you?... it's all one sided... it's a fucking trip man... it just hurts... and then having to deal with the friend of them?... that's even more fucked up... I mean shit... I don't know what to fucking say.. and when I do, she's surrounded by so many others... hell I'm not fucking sure what I can say or do, cause everytime I fucking open my damned mouth I somehow get my own damn foot stuck in it... shit... you arrogant son of a bitch, telling me that you knew.. of course you fucking knew.. and if you weren't there in the first place I could have explained myself instead of having to wake up the next morning after the fact and not being able to recall what I wanted to say in the first fucking place, so don't give me shit over it when I'm thanking you, don't make it sound like you're some fucking martyr sent from heaven to help the meek and mild... shit. It fucking tears me apart... not being able to be with someone and getting jealous and pissed off cause you can't explain things clearly... it overall sucks, I'm trying to get over her, it's not a fucking easy thing to do... I'm not a fucking faucet... shit's still taking me a long time to learn to turn it off... it's slowly working though, cause I can see the flaws.. I can see them clearly as sun on a cloudless day... and it's taking a while to stop the allowances I give towards her... I'm slowly getting out of the love zone... will it ever leave?... FUCK NO... it won't, I will always love her, but shit, I can at least attempt to deaden the emotion, and move on... and I emphasize "attempt"... There's nothing I can do except try to kill that little piece of me for the moment so I can continue without that harsh pain welling within me... and it overall just sucks. Still... I need to try and move on, I'm doing better.. I think, cause this time around I barely got to see her as much... like I've become a fucking fifth wheel... and let me explain this... cause not too many people understand what the fuck I mean when I say that I'm fifth wheeling... every car has four wheels and a spare... I'm the fucking spare... the fifth wheel, totally unneeded until something happens, and even then you call another guy to tow the damn car before you use that damn spare.. .it's just a useless addition to the car that everyone has... useless but present... so yeah, that's fifth wheeling, it's when you're present but utterly useless... and trust me, that's how I felt most the time with her, like I was sorta just there... no real purpose but eh, if something were to come up, maybe I'll be recognized, but overall she'll just call triple A before she'll remember the spare in the back of her car.... Regardless of this, I can't let it keep me down... so don't fucking throw me a fucking pity party.. that's not cool... I'm not wearing a funky party hat and it ain't my birthday for another 3 months... so meh!... fuck... sometimes I wish I were emotionally numb, it'd be easier than having to deal with shit like an actual person... shit... nothing I can do but better manage my fucking damage... and that's gonna be a long time off... a long long winding bumpy mother fucker of a road... and the journey is gonna fuckin' suck. Welcome to it. - Tiki Man