JAWC Volume 2 : Cause sometimes I don't have to make sense...
I don't know what to feel anymore, I don't know what I should be doing... my life has no direction and lately I don't fucking understand anything that's happening... I feel as though the world is worthless, I feel as though life has lost meaning, and lately I haven't been talking to anyone and I don't feel badly because of it... because I'm starting to stop caring... it's good in a way, although others would think not.
I never know what to say and when I did ask questions it's as if all the answers are used up and all that's left is the word "good" or "all-right" or some equivalent of the two... I don't know when it happened and I don't know how to fix it... and well, maybe it shouldn't be fixed.. maybe this is the sign that things just suck, that life isn't what it's meant to be after all, and that the grand illusion of life,love and the pursuit of happiness really is just a huge lie, fabricated by the hopeful masses as to not accept that the lot they've drawn is really just a pile of crap.. there is no donkey amongst the manure and that the optomist in all of us is playing us for a fool and that things don't get better, we just accept what we have.
I stared at my wall the other day, the only thought that ran through my head was, "I wonder what it'd be like to die?"... and I wonder if that's healthy? I wonder what's wrong with me that this way of thinking is seeming normal to me now... I know that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but lately it's as though I'm just wallowing.. .wallowing in the despair of my situation and that I don't care to do anything about it. that's right... I don't care enough about myself to do a damn thing about my situation.
Welcome to it.
I don't want to care, I don't fucking want to be put down for it either... I don't want to be shackled to the notion that I have to be social with people... the more I learn about people the more I realize what a huge waste of time it is to get to know them, because the majority of the time, I'll be left behind... alone... forgotten... and left to myself... why the fuck would I want to deal with that? Why would anyone wish that ill upon another... why the hell do I have to be social anyway?
I don't get the point... I mean, I can rant, I can fillibuster like the day is long... I can ramble and rave all by myself about just about anything... and I realize that I not only grow weary of my anger but at the same time it illicits a response from others, other people who identify and can understand what I'm going through... and that drives me to continue rambling on, regardless of how much I despise the fact that I get this way...
I just want to be accepted. I want that so badly, and instead of becoming like the masses, becoming like the social drinking hypocrites and fashion whores and pimp wannabe thugs, I stand out from the crowd because I hate all those people. I hate them so much.
and I realize that I will never be accepted because the world is filled with these wannabe hasbeens and all the pop culture they can buy and I don't want to be with those people, I don't want to be accepted by the phony smiles, the happy haters and the people that would have you believe that their lives are fantastic. I don't want to be apart of a group of liars.
I don't think I'll find anyone that understands me, I don't think that I'll ever be accepted. I understand that the people I've found that I thought understood and accepted me, merely tolerate my existance as they would a ladybug on a leaf during the spring... I amuse them, I keep them entertained... but beyond that, I serve no purpose and anything I say or do is merely fodder for them to placate themselves as noble in the fact that they tolerate an insect like myself.
I am not an insect.
I am not a court jester here to amuse people.
I just want to find someone that will accept me for who I am, not what I do to amuse or entertain, someone to accept my faults, my ups and downs... the person that hides behind the sarcasm and anger... I've only shown a few people that side of me, and sadly, all I've been finding is tolerance.
I want to be accepted.
I want to be loved.
I want someone to love me chaste and pure, because they feel that knowing me is worthwhile, that knowing me makes them happy.
I haven't found that person yet... I thought I did and for a while I was feeling better about myself and feeling pretty good... everything seemed to be and seem better, but sure enough, it took a long while and I realize now that they just tolerate me.... and that brought my mood down really quick.
I'm really depressed... I hate waking up and most nights I pray I didn't.
I wish people would take me seriously when I say things... I don't boast or talk for the mere reason to talk... I speak because I honestly think what I'm saying is worthwhile. instead... it amuses people.
Why won't God kill me for me?
At least then I wouldn't have to deal with all the liars, the hypocrites, the smilers, the fakers, the wannabes, the stereotypes, the drunks and the addicts.
I wouldn't have to deal with any of this lie called life.
I'm going to sleep... if I don't update Monday, it means God did me a favor and let me die sleeping...
Welcome To It...
- Tiki Man