JAWC Volume 2 : yeah, this actually happened... I'm talking to my friend, and they tell me that letting someone else commit your suicide is cowardly, so I agreed and I promised them that if I offed myself that I would do it myself instead of letting someone else do it for me... This is an actual conversation tidbit I had... which makes me wonder... is it better to kill yourself to prove a point?... I mean, why else would they point out the major flaw in your depression?... I mean it's bad enough I have these thoughts, but then to advocate only under the condition that it's done by your own hand... seems overly confusing... well... all I know is that I made a promise that if I did want to finally kill myself, y'know, take that final step passed that line, I'd do it myself and they were glad to hear that, rather than me have someone else do it for me... so yay? Regardless, it makes me feel confused... and quite frankly I don't know how to feel about anything anymore... I mean, part of me doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning because I know what's going to come... the other part of me is telling me to stay in bed...however the final part of me that forces me out of bed is the embarassment of pissing myself while lying down because I didn't want to get out of bed even though my body is telling me to use the bathroom or end up soggy... and who really wants to end up soggy? So.. I get up and leave my bed to brave the world regardless of want, but rather of necessity... which sucks in of itself... so I was compared to a self deluded depressive the other day... I argued the fact by noting that I'm a fully aware depressive... I mean, it's not that much better, but at least I'm aware that life sucks and I have to make it better on my own, rather than the other guy who thinks the world is against him no matter how hard he tries to make things better... which he doesn't try to do... so it's two steps back and no steps foward with that guy.... I think it's better to be aware of your problems and then decide whether or not you want to deal with them.... that way you can't blame anyone else buy yourself... I know I have myself to blame for my current situation, depression and all... I got myself into it and I don't want to sound like I'm being optomistic here, but only I am able to get out of it.... but damn, it's so much easier to just lie back in bed and want the day to end rather than have to wake up and face it head on... I gotta say this though... IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH ME... WITH ME!... OKAY? WITH ME, NOT ANYONE ELSE, HAVE THE DAMNED DECENCY TO TELL ME TO MY FACE! NOT BEHIND MY BACK.... NOT COOL. Seriously... tell me to my face, don't spout it behind my back to others as though to persuade their opinion.. how about helping me become a better person? huh?... maybe give me a chance to rectify my behavior so I don't come across the slanderous way you're describing me?... do me that smallest of favors... it doesn't take much, just a simple, "hey, you're being creepy... stop that" It's not a huge problem, but when you go behind my back to badtalk me for the sake of enforcing your opinion onto someone else, instead of actually dealing with that which scared you?... that's just acting like an asshole. yeah, you read it right... asshole. How fucking hard is it to just tell someone to there face that you annoy them, or that you find them creepy?... I've told people that, and sure they may not like it, but they either improve or ignore me, all I know is that I tried... no one can say otherwise. So.. if you've got a beef with me? fucking tell me... I have an AIM address, I have an EMAIL address, I HAVE A WEBSITE I POST TO... it's not like you couldn't have just told me yourself you lame ass fuckers. and the people themselves that I'm creeping out are two borderline alcoholics and a guy who seems more creepy by his constant laughing at anything he says, and a chick who's actually pretty chill.. I got no beef with her... if she hates me that's fine by me, she probably has a valid reason for it... but the other three... geez, you scaredy cat asshats, just tell me to my face... you didn't even have the balls or decency to tell me and let me fix the problem, you just labeled me and sent me on my way... seriously... what the hell? Anyhow, that's all I got for this week... remember, talk to me so I can improve as a human being, don't just fucking talk shit cause you couldn't talk to me and help me out with something that would leave you a scared lump of shit... cause let's face it... what'd you do to help me out?... nothing. so don't fucking complain when you didn't care to correct the problem.. you just let it grow. Welcome To It... - Tiki Man