JAWC Volume 3 : Need more backlog...

I'm not a fucking gamer, I'm not a LARPer, I'm not into table top gaming or DnD, I don't care for online RPG or anything to do with orcs, fairies or mythical wonder and/or enchantment, I'm not into idling on AIM or Skype, I'm not into alcohol, I'm not into drinks, I'm not into philosophical spouting bullshit to sound intelligent, I don't care for trivial nonsense because it makes me sound smarter than I am... I'm not trying to outdo someone in terms of a pissing contest of misery, I don't like pity parties.

I am depressed, I'm disheartened, unenchanted with the world around me, I find that I am honest... to a fault, I don't spout crap to sound awesome.. it comes naturally to me when it happens... I don't have the same ambitions as others have, I don't care if someone likes me but I care if they hate me... no one wants to be hated. I like drawing, I like trying to draw different styles, I like fun without insanity and I like fun without getting buzzed and/or liquored up... I don't need alcohol to enjoy myself.

I find that I don't have friends. I am a friend to a few people, but I don't think of them as friends to me. I will share my heart and my feelings whereas they will keep me in the dark, I know that i don't have friends, but I am a friend to them. I know that I will eventually leave them, because I must.

I have been far to selfish throwing my feelings and views, my emotions and my ambitions onto these people, they have families, they have spouses, they have lives. I must ween myself from this thing call friendship I'be bestowed unto these people, for with it I have been selfish and damning.

By the end of the year, I suppose the feelings they have towards me will become how I feel of them, and the attitude and friendship they've shown me will be how I show it to them, equality among the attitudes, neither here nor there, but a satisfied apathetic limbo, filled with vague phrases and uncaring questions... the way friends should be by their standards.

My standards are too high and with that I realize it's wrong to hold them to that... they aren't there, nor do they care to reciprocate the standards I place into a friendship. I realize this sounds egotistic, but I don't care, I'm not the best of people, but when it comes to the idealism of what a friend is, I realize most people will only be good acquaintances at best... so fairwell to the meaning and welcome to the end... This is that start towards the finish line, the last leg in an otherwise arduous journey of knowing me as a person, the end result is the broken shell you'll get to see... until then... Welcome to it.

- Tiki Man -