JAWC Volume 3 : New Rant... Geez... several rants and several revisions and I finally realize after speaking to someone, that the problem I have is more rooted in the fact that I feel as though the people I associate with have no aspirations and in such makes me feel as though I myself am going no where, stagnating and overall becoming just a lump with no goals. Out of the few people I speak too, this person was able to actually ask what's wrong, they cared enough to actually ask me something and didn't accept the short vague answer and listened to the long painful crap that uttered from my lips... that was really nice of them, and for that... thank you. I don't want to end up like the people I talk to, I don't want to be the guy that watches others play games and laughs at awfully made jokes or hiding ignorance in a joke, I don't want to be the guy that still cannot draw noses correctly on faces... yeah, that's right... I'm talking about you. I don't want to be the one that dreams about a future when I've resigned myself to married obscurity and anthropomorphic conventions... I want to achieve more than sitting around drinking energy drinks and watching someone eat a whole ham that could've gone towards a couple of meals instead of one act of blatant idiocy. I want to start being the guy that has ambition and drive, the guy who actually cares about what he does and the guy who actually makes things happen instead of dreaming that they will happen... I want to be the guy who doesn't resign himself to sitting at a computer into the early hours of the morning watching videogames or talking about the mundane with people who are becoming more uninteresting than I already am. I want more out of life than what I have now, I want more out of the people I talk to than a couple of words and a fucking emoticon... that's right, talking about you again... Maybe I'm just afraid of getting close to people again, I've been burned myself so many times that I just sorta do it to others naturally now... I mean, the last person I got really close with ended up with the two of us barely exchanging words now, we used to share everything but then it was like she ran out of things to share and I just complained about mother issues... Perhaps this whole thing is me trying to stop the depressing reality from crushing me before it happens and the result is to just push everyone and everything away from me before I feel hurt... better to hurt than to be hurt kind of mentality... but personally I don't think they'll be hurt by it... only one person has expressed that they'd feel sad about me disappearing, the other... well... I've come to the conclusion that she doesn't think it'll happen... maybe because I'm talking about it so much... I am a man of my word, I am not a hypocrite, I say what I mean and I say it straightfoward. Believe me when I say this. I am leaving the internet in approximately a years time and I won't be around for a long, long time. Welcome To It. - Tiki Man -