Welcome to The SoapBox!!

This is the freedom of speech page.. or the "SoapBox" welcome!.. obviously you dropped by because you figured... hey, I need to see how messed up this person is... well here we go...

I've come to terms with the actuallity that I am indeed an oddity... since I took on the attitude of contempt among my peers when I was in college to the fact that I only feel comfortable with those that I deem worthy to hang around with... I'm opinionated about various subjects and I'm picky in whatever I do... I don't care to go out with the guys and I don't care for sports... I don't drink, I don't do drugs or smoke cigarettes... I find that the waking hours of my life are squandered aimlessly watching what would seem surreal to others and taking it all in as fact... the present I can't escape and the past with has been sown all make for a future that I'm uncertain of wanting to even exist within....

Yet, something seems to drive me forth, a subconcious desire to keep living every day even though it would seem fit that god should smite me and stop this mockery of life... even though I don't know why I continue on.. I do... I suppose most people look to the future with wonderous expectations and goals unfitting there lifestyle, yet I am like so many yet unlike all... I am a unique person that can't be classified by mere looks... and anyone that has listened to me speak candidly can attest to that...

Although this rant page is written with the most uncensored script, I find myself editing certain aspects that would otherwise make people disgusted with me and then just hate me... but then again, I get enough of that just by what I don't edit.. heh, regardless... It's the realisation of my surroundings that I've come to accept and it makes me depressed... one of my biggest character flaws would have to be my low self-esteem... yet for some reason it never made me submit to peer pressure...

I overheard someone say that I run a porno site... I called them on this and they asked me what I would call it... I responded... Art.

In the years it's been since I've met with my own demise sparked by submission to a thought that was otherwise not within my ability I have made it a rule to stay within the comfort zone of my ability until I felt ready to branch forth... my self-esteem from then has otherwise been brought to a nil... granted it's still there but I feel as though I can hold my head high and be unafraid through my pencil... the tool that turns my inner feelings into a visual upload...

The pencil I weild is mechanical and it's lead constantly breaks as I press too firmly on the lead... yet with pencil in tote I am comfortable now, whereas before I was awkward and clumsy... my style has improved and I've made leaps and bounds from my appearance at AC04'... Yet even though I feel better about my ability I still am humble as I know my flaws and see the unparalled achievements of others before my eyes... always making it so I have a goal to reach and a purpose for my next drawing...

I suppose that's what I unconciously thought this morning when I got up and most assuredly I'll forget with the passing hours until the next morning when my subconcious takes over again... it's a precious thing to find people you want to please, even if it's through drawing, and it's a greater pleasure to have people whom you care and want to learn more about... the unconcious desires I have, even though slowly manifesting themselves to me, and provoking me onward... As time goes by I hope I won't forget them all together and be able to be better than who I am right now...

OMGTKB (Ben)

Y'know what? Come back next week to see if I really give a damn...