Welcome to JAWC v2.0, now with 23% more emo!

Death, absolution, compassion, sympathy, empathy, forgiveness, lies, truth, anger, hate, tolerance, kindness, love, envy, pride, delusion, illusion, paranoia, cunning, stunning, violent, haste, sloth, surrender, advancement, win, lose, stalemate, draw, strategy, intrigue, sadness, contentment, oddity, unique, similar, stereotype, group, peers, anxiety, pressure, grief, grievious, error, damned, righteous, courteous, blunt, callous, callow, clumsy, careless, foolish, fair, jumbled, jinxed, fresh, start, plot, end, regret, friends, arduous, family, auspicious, suspicious, avarice, interested, intrigued, inferred, implied, crushed, lost...

No... I have no clue what any of this means, but these are words that randomly came to my mind... and I decided to type them... and rather than think of more I decided to stop here... not much of a rant... but eh... the real rant starts now...

I don't understand what it is that drives a person to want absolution... and not genuine absolution, where you try to make a pennance while you're able... no I'm talking about deathbed absolution, where the person, upon feeling a sense of death fall upon them, tries however they can to weasel out a "it's okay" from the person they've shat on for a long time... I just don't get what they want to accomplish, as if now that they feel death looming, they need to make up for lost time, as if the few moments are going to make a difference... it's not even real... it's not genuine, it's fake.. fake and disgusting, like a pair of wax lips you got for halloween, but now it's valentines day and you put them on... only to bite right through and the wax turns to grit in your mouth...

that grit is the feeling of hearing someone attempt to gain absolution because of a looming feeling of death hovering like the person who stands behind you when you're in the store... you know that they're not looking over your shoulder, but you can feel them there, not doing anything, not even moving... just standing there... it eats away at you, knowing that they want something, or are doing something, but you just don't know what.. and you want to yell, yell at them in the loudest most fierce voice you can... "what the hell do you want already!?... just pick up a can and get the hell away from me!.. it's a supermarket... go away!!!"...

but like I'm saying, that grit from a false regret... from a repentance which has no meaning... it's sickening, and irritating, like a mosquito bite you just keep scratching at... and just as it's about to heal.. you scratch again... and the process repeats for weeks... !!!... but what drives a person... is it just the death?... or is there more to it?... what do they want to gain from the endeavor?.. why now? why not do this when they're healthy and able... as if announcing it to the person would make them soften and say, "well you've been treating me like shit for several years now... at first I didn't catch on, I was naive... but then it gained momentum, your attitude grew with the passing years until it was fully manifest, where it was noticeable... but now that you feel as though you can't do this shit to me anymore... now you want me to love you... now you want me to put it all behind me..."

well.. putting it that way the choice is obvious... right?... well for me it is... I can't do it.. I can't lie to myself to make someone else feel good, it's the equivalence to a chick asking if a pair of pants make her ass look fat... trust me, I'll be honest, it ain't the pants that are doing it... your ass is fat... (not that it's a bad thing mind you... little in the middle but she's got much back) I cannot forsake myself to console others... it's hypocritical... it's me lying to myself and to the other person... it's rude, wrong and overall that gritty feeling will come back to my teeth...

I know that when my time comes to leave... I'm not gonna be looking for absolution, I own up to my errors, and accept that my feelings are genuine, regardless of how nasty and hate filled they may be... I'm not looking for people to love me, I'm here to tell it like I see it... and guess what if at the end you don't like that shit... I'm not gonna be there asking you to say you liked the way I treated you...

In closing, I'll say this... to all the posers out there, pretending like there shit don't stink, as if they can fool the people because they only see them a few times during the week, or hell even during the work day... true colors bleed through the clean white exterior that you call a personality... stop being such assholes and just be yourselves... if people don't like you for it, at least you can say this is who I am... rather than this is what I should be...

- Tiki Man