Welcome to JAWC v2.5 : Another week of updates... I really hate the fact that I've seriously been lacking motivation to do anything lately, as if my life itself has become a stagnant pond to which the mosquitos of my mind have hatched and are buzzing around causing a general static in all my endeavors... and all I can do is stare into the computer screen of my life and repeat like a mindless drone the script before me, a shallow actor in a grander play and forced into submission through gradual coercion than it was by choice... People with crocodile smiles, their general appearance that of a gentleman or lady, all the while they personify animosity and condescencion... they look down the nose of there pious objectivity and pass judgement when they themselves are that which they truly hate, and to ward off the self loathing they look to others they can fool and degrade whilst behind there backs, snickering and laughing... contemptable louts they are to do such abhoration... I look at the people, I notice the signs, I've already screwed up... for I hadn't known the depth to which people are so cruel, so embittered that their hypocritical outlook is now so ingrained into them, they can not see anything else, for the forest is beyond them, and all they can see is the bark of the tree they chose to chain themselves to. I stare and point out there flaws... and that leads only to more zealotry. I'm tired of dealing with them, even to the point where I have caused them to leave, it brings me sadness that they cannot speak directly and they are forced to hide from me rather than to confront... they are cast aside by there own shame, and although they can not... will not admit this fault it is readily apparent... I know not to cry for them or pity them... regardless, I only can sit and be myself, for to change would be an injustice to myself as well as everyone else I've been near. My attitude has been in question from the man-woman of the deep, friend to a person, manipulative in nature, shi comes forth to admonish harshly upon me, as though life has never caused her undue pain, and thus restitution is only available now for all the past hurt... as if I'm the martyr shi requires... she comes to me and asks for an apology... hir pleas fall not upon deaf ears, but the man-woman of the deep accepts yet continues her efforts to cause me distress... irritable wench this vile disgusting excuse for female shi is... I finally yell upon her to silence her endless prattle as it only continues to revolve endlessly as the world in it's orbit around the sun... shocked it doesn't know what to do... It's at this point I realize that this beast-woman has never known the taste of being submissive, as though it's whole life shi has always been getting her way, and when it failed after success was grasped only slightly... she saw the dream of emasculating an alpha-male fall through and shatter her mind... I close the door and leave it be, exasperated the beast-woman hits the door, frustrated that she did not succeed in her deception. Another point in the life of people in this "blessed" county... where the chosen supposedly come to congregate and place and pass judgement upon those they deem as "unworthy" I realize that I am not of the chosen... I hear all about how these people are going to heaven... how they are the chosen and the righteous... now I'm not going to knock a religion, but how can such a "prideful" and "vain" people be "chosen"?... I do believe in the religion, I cannot deny it... however the more I see the people who treat others as less because of it, it causes me an irritation akin to a rash of poison ivy upon my skin, and no lotion will ease the insufferable itch that plagues me... these people with there mindset will be there downfall, and the more I see it the more I am enraged... "Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged"... guess what, I don't mind being judged, and that's why I pass judgement on a lot of people... I encourage it sometimes, for it gives me the opportunity to crush that opponent which believes they can put me under there rule... nay!, for they aren't ready to be judged... and thus when I push there own action back upon them, it gives rise to anger on there part and forces a response unlike they want to be, and I can do not but pity, for they show themselves then to be the hypocrites they are. I see that the more time one stays in this place, the more that they become hostile and vile... it's not a nice place to live, in fact it's quite awful... and I say it insomuch that I have seen over the past 5 months people betrayed, lied, angered, altercations and hostility, animosity, disdain, vanity, gluttony, pride, and that's just from my own personal accounts of what goes on around me. my plans are to leave in July/August when my lease expires on my place of stay. I know that wherever I go in the future, it won't be better, but I just hope it's more tolerant... tolerant towards people, ideas and thoughts and actions... instead of the pious and disdainful practices that go on around me in this place... I work hard and save so I can see a better life for myself... no matter where it is I end up going. overall I have to say that if anyone is thinking of moving to Utah County... don't. Now like so many others you're probably saying to yourself, Ben, why don't you just move now, or leave and go back home?... and the answer is simple... I made my bed, and I'm going to sleep in it. I'm not about to go back to the way things were because I don't like it here, that's a foolish thing to do. I'm here to build the experience of living on my own, to go back to my dependant and indecisive lifestyle is something I wish to avoid, so I'm here and I'm going to gain the experience I need to leave and learn to be on my own... it's not easy, it's damn hard... knowing that when push comes to shove no one has your back... the only person you want to be with is in another country and the fact that you're so anti-social that doing things with other people will only lead to them despising you... I mean, geez... it's a life I've made for myself and I'm the only one who can fix it and make something of it... so sure I should give up, but I'm not a quitter... I have the ability and strength to go on, and even when I've become to exhausted to continue on, I'll search for a way... because I am a person of worth, and although others are too close-minded to understand who I am, I know that I'll find that one person who isn't. My aspirations for myself are great, my contempt for others derives from that, and even if it means I have to go through life a lonely bachelor... I can do it, so to all those who think I can't or shouldn't, and to those who think that it's a fools journey to want more than a complacent life of mediocrity... you can all go to heaven, I'll gladly go to the depths of hell to search for it... and nothing is going to stop me anymore... I'm going to get out and be what I want to be. Welcome to it. - Tiki Man